At the crack of dawn, I am up writing for clients. After that, I am getting ready for work, getting my kids ready for school, making sure the house doesn’t always look like a tornado hit, texting who I need to text, and doing all of the things. My partner stays home doing all of the things while I am at work, until it is his turn to go to work in the evening and we switch roles. Yes, we work opposite schedules and that is not ideal when it comes to sex. You kind of need to be together for it to happen! We have hectic schedules that revolve around our family and our other activities. With a schedule like ours it can be hard to see where to find the time for sex.
So, how do we do it?
First things first, you need to make it a priority in your relationship. Speak the words to your partner and tell them how important it is for you to connect with them through sex. There are couples who don’t prioritize it as much as others and that is okay, but if it is important to you, you need to be open and ready to share how important it is for you. When my partner and I decided this, we first tried to do a “30 Day Sex Challenge” where you have sex for 30 days, nonnegotiable. Needless to say we failed at that. We had too much come up and before we knew it, the challenge that we had put on a pedestal for at last two weeks was side tracked and we were back to our lives without the sex. After our failed attempt at trying to connect via sex, we decided that we could not go more than a week without sex, it has become our consensus. If we were able to do it more, our week would be that much better, but our one time a week, at least, is what helps get us out of our normal day to day funk. Now that our bodies and minds are used to this, if we push the seven days, we both tend to become a little grumpy until we make time. Similar to when you wait too long to eat, we are hungry for it and not satisfied until it happens.
Being married almost 11 years, my partner and I have finally found what works and doesn’t work for us. Although we don’t do well with “30 day challenges” there are other tried and true ways that we are able to use to connect sexually without having to put too much stress on each other. Try these tips and see if it helps the sexual intimacy in your relationship.
This is probably the hardest to do while you are living a busy life. We tend to focus on our tasks at hand. Whether it is a project that we are completing, deadlines that need to be met, chores around the house, or even little crumb crunchers running around, there just never seems to be an open slot of time designated for sex. We often forget our core needs as simple humans. So in order to be spontaneous it does take some studying of your partner to achieve and a little bit of imagination. For example, if you see your partner taking a load of laundry to the laundry room for washing (and the kids are occupied), follow him or her in and have a quickie in the laundry room. It is unconventional and fun and it will definitely relieve stress for the two of you. You can also hide in your garage in the backseat of your minivan or sneak into a closet or bathroom.
One thing I love to do to get my partner away from our needy children is to pretend that there is water leaking from somewhere in the house. Preferably somewhere there is a lock on the door. The children aren’t fazed when I mention it and tell him that I need his help fixing it. We are able to get away, lock the door and get it on for a little bit. Since this is done pretty purposely, I am able to have a vibrator ready for when he actually comes to the rescue. I think he is on to me when I tell him we have water leaking now, so when an issue might actually arise I hope he takes it seriously! Hopefully when that time comes, he isn’t too disappointed.
Sometimes it takes just stepping away and taking a few minutes. It is important to remember that sex doesn’t always need to be this elaborate thing that takes all night. Sometimes it is okay to just “get one out” together to connect and relieve stress. Now bare with me, for us women I know that something this quick can be a little disheartening because let’s face it, we need a little more time to warm up and then actually come to our climax. This can be a good place to use a bullet vibrator or other clitoral stimulator. Hold it to your clitoris and climax just as fast as your partner (sometimes faster).
Schedule a specific day/time
Like I mentioned before my partner and I can’t go a week without sex. We decided that it was a priority for us to make time at least once a week. For some couples that might actually mean “penciling it in”. Decide a day and time that works for the two of you and plan your life around that. Mom wants dinner at 5:30, but your sexy time is that time? Well sorry mom, I have something at that time. Can we do 7 instead? It seems simple, but you need to be sure that the two of you are actively thinking about it and making sure that you are available just for that. Similar to when you first started dating and you planned a date at a certain time. No one else was getting in the way of that date. Your dedication needs to be the same as before.
If you have little ones running around the house and sexy time planned out already make sure they either have a sitter or can be made occupied during that time, so that there are no distractions. I know it can be harder with children, we have 4 of our own, but it isn’t impossible when you make this a top priority.
So determine when a good time is (like there is ever a bad time), and pencil each other in. Get excited and figure out how you want this to go for the two of you. It is always fun to remind each other with cute pictures and love letters about what you want to do with them when the time comes. Sending these reminders may seem like it is for them, but it gives you an opportunity to show them how excited you are to spend time with them and it also builds up intensity for it.
This one is normally a given, we all know how important it is for you and your partner to make time for each other to be able to connect through fun and conversation. We decide what we want to do, where the children will go, how long we will do x,y,z and yet many of us forget the aftercare on a date night. It is so important that you remember how it used to be. When you first were dating, you never wanted the time between you two to end and so your date night turned into a movie with desert and some other fun activities. Now, if you want something that will last all night like that, there is some planning that needs to take place, but if you are not able to leave the children for longer than a few hours, you can still go home or to a room and take some time to get to know each other sexually again, before you need to pick up the kids and revert back to your “normal” life.
Decide to try something new?
Whether you decide to be spontaneous or plan a day and time, or both, you want to be sure that you set expectations together. Some days might be a good time to try something new like a new position or toy. While other times you need to just do your “go to” positions. The ones that work for both of you.
If you do decide that the two of you want to try something new, choose a new toy to implement or even a game. Remember that there are no rules, only the ones that you and your partner implement together. Nothing is off the table when it comes to how you and your partner want to experience sex together. Remember that no matter what way you decide to make time, it is important to cherish it. Turn off all distractions and make sure that you are present; mind, body, and soul. Even if it is a quick trip to the laundry room.